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Well, It was a cold and windy day in Taipei, Taiwan and a stubborn girl, me, did not bring a sweater because google weather said it was 20 degrees Celsius. 20 Celsius is usually hot! It was so darn cold that day!

I asked Chris if I could borrow his jacket. I was getting really grumpy because

(1) I was getting hungry

(2) he was really hesitant in giving me his sweater.

I thought he wanted to make a point because earlier that day, I said, “It’s going to be so hot outside. I don’t need a sweater.” Anyways, I ended up wearing his jacket. I put my hands inside the pocket and felt something. I took it out and… what do you know, he actually made me a ring.

Long long time ago, I watched Blood Diamond and said that I won’t say yes unless he made me a ring. This is a whole different story so if you want to know, I’ll probably write a separate blog for it.

Anyways, Chris immediately took the ring off my hands and pretended it wasn’t there. It was an awkward walk around Taipei.

I didn’t know what to say and he didn’t seem like he wanted to talk about it either. We got to the hotel and he eventually asked. He knelt down (LOL!) and said,

“Will you marry me?”

LOL. I don’t know why I always make things awkward but I made it weird. Obviously, I said, yes. Chris has been my partner since 2012 but if you know me, you know I get wedding anxiety.

I just do not agree with the whole wedding traditions. I mean, my mind just has so many questions about it. I just can’t seem to shake off its hetero-normative and patriarchal history.

(1) Why do we have to walk down the aisle (supposedly with a parent/s)? (I’m not a thing that a parent is supposed to be given away. I make my own decisions)

(2) Wearing a white dress (supposedly to represent a woman’s virginity)

(3) dancing. I just do not like dancing.

(4) Chris’ is supposed to ask me to marry him. Why cant I ask him? Why cant we decide together- that we are both ready to sign a piece of paper that says we are legally tied to one another?

Maybe Kierkegaard is right, that anxiety is the dizziness of freedom . There’s just so many possible choices and the chance to be your authentic self. Who is your authentic self? is your choice purely your own or are you mindlessly controlled by ‘normalized’ traditions? It’s exhausting to constantly fight with your mind, with society…

If you have any advice for me, how can I make this wedding heterogeneous or even tips to help with my anxiety, send it my way.

Thanks and until next time,

Maria

**UPDATE**

I have decided that I really cannot do the whole marriage thing. Maybe, I will change my mind in the future but right now, I made the decision that I do not want to submit to something so patriarchal and unnecessary.